"I Was Just Hammerin' Dudes"

After 2 hours sleep, and still fasting, I rolled out of bed at 6:00 AM to meet Megan and Simon, so we could go out to the Endangered Animal Market. That’s all I needed to hear to be persuaded to go at such a ridiculous hour. On the way, I was informed that there could also be a military surplus section. I am a sucker for that kind of thing, so I was doubly hooked.

When we arrived, it became painfully obvious that this place was like a giant garage sale. There was so much junk (Mom and Dad, the storage shed times 100). Anything plastic was there; CRT monitors, tapes, shoes, and the list goes on. This part was spread over the railway tracks, so I assume trains don’t go there anymore. As we got further along, we saw numerous antique stores and even saw a 1980 Soviet Trophy that some guy wanted 20 bucks for. We even got to use an actual grammophone.

All was going well until we decided to walk through the male clothing aisle of death. We quickly realized that 1. There were no tourists here, and 2. There were no woman in this part of the market. So, after some initial harassment, we decided that a Megan sandwich was in our best interests (me in the front, Simon in the back). Halfway along, some guy comes barging through and pushes all three of us. When he got into an open space, some guy got right up in his grill and started throwing punches. Then some other guy got up on a table with a stick and threatening to start caning the two fighters. It was pretty intense.

Our ability to move was based on me showing no regard for the well-being of anything the came in front of me and Simon pushing from the back. It worked pretty well for the most part, but I must say that Megan put up with a lot of grabbing and such. When we emerged from that hellish walk, we stumbled into a dog breeding enclosure. Apparently, people bring their female dogs to breed with random male dogs. What really happens is some guy takes a bull mastiff and scares anyone within striking distance. The Egyptians tend to spook the dog, who then goes AWOL on the crowd. It takes a lot of strength from the handler to restrain these creatures. But I think he still has a lot of fun doing it.

“I think those were two of the most intense experiences I’ve ever had in Egypt.” Famous last words from Simon. After perusing the one stall with endangered animals (they had crocodiles, two owls, carnivorous hedgehogs, albino mice, possums, falcons, snakes, geckos, and some crazy bird that probably was the last of its kind on earth), we came across this vendor selling old bank notes. So, we all decide to stop and take a look. Only problem was that we were in a narrow pathway and the market was starting to get crazy busy. Not five minutes after stopping, a human river of sweat and testosterone started overflowing its banks. A common mentality in Egypt, it seems, is that patience is not a virtue, but a sin. So, getting through the seething masses in the shortest amount of time possible is paramount to the continuation of life.

I experienced a few bumps and nudges, but things were definitely getting worse. All of a sudden, I was thrust onto the table (covered with sharp objects). I managed to regain balance, only to get pushed right back. Simon was taking a beating protecting Megan from one side, but we all agree that I took the brunt of the attack. The jostling continued for at least 15 minutes. Eventually I was able to assume a position with a lower centre of gravity and start driving upward and into the crowd. In the words of an Aussie, “I just started hammering dudes.” A sympathetic Egyptian guy grabbed hold of my hand and we proceeded to form a bubble around Megan. It was so much fun. Any angst I had against the local population was taken out on the masses. What’s better is that you can just push and push without fear of any consequences. You just “hammer dudes” as best you can. Good times.

I never felt so happy.