The Name's Bond, James Ahmed Mohammed Bond

I’m not much of a movie guy, so it takes a lot to get me to pay that egregious amount movie theatres tend to charge. There is one absolute exception, though, and that is when a new Bond movie is released.

This whole concept of a “Bond Movie” has become its own genre. The formula is simple enough: suave secret agent + hot girl + car chases + explosions + guns + ridiculous stunts + cool gadgets + exotic locales + cheesy lines + one crazy opening scene = two hours of wholesome fun. Plot-wise, the movie could be as loose as the end result of Cairo Colon. Acting-wise, you could find better quality in a grade school play. And, yet, Bond movies remain an institution around the world. So when Casino Royale came out last week, I had to go see it.

What I was apparently oblivious to was the fact that we were going to an Egyptian theatre. Who knew what this would bring. After all, movie theatres in other cultures are always a treat. How will the audience react to the hero getting the girl? Will they cheer when the good ol’ U.S. of A defeats the terrorists? Or will people actually turn off their cell phones when instructed to do so. So many questions…some of which were about to be answered.

The particular cinema we chose attracted the “uncivilized” elements of Egyptian society. The fervent masses congregated in small groups held in check only by three or four ushers. Such power those four possessed. Well, until the crowd reached a fever-pitch, anyways.

We were let in under the watchful eye of the doormen, only to be herded like cattle down a narrow hallway (fully equipped with snack vendors). The fact that the movie (only the credits actually) had started definitely explained the slow progress once we got nearer the entrance. Seats are assigned when you purchase the ticket, but are not clearly marked in the theatre, so further ushers have to walk customers to their seats using a small flashlight, while at the same time controlling the number of people who blindly try to find their seats.

Finding our seats was surprisingly simple. What was odd, though, was that there wasn’t much of an incline between the front and the back of the theatre. Anyone with semi-decent posture, therefore, would block the view for the person directly behind. And since the place was packed, you had to basically watch the movie through the cracks.

Then the movie started. Too bad the sound was gramophone quality and cranked up too loud. I’m not sure I even understood what was being said—and I’m a native English speaker. This made the non-natives in the group feel a lot better. What’s sad is that the dialogue is supposedly much wittier then previous Bond movies. Then again, who goes to a Bond movie for the words?

The one particularly disturbing aspect of this Egyptian theatre was the little regard paid to the fact that a movie is supposed to be watched in relative silence. Cell phones were constantly off and people talked the whole time. This wasn’t noticeable during the more epic scenes when the volume was at a nadir, but became a painful reality when Bond was trying to be funny.

After all that, I’m not sure I can comment on how good the movie was. It didn’t follow the normal Bond operating procedure, ended rather abruptly, and had no significant climax. But it was different. And as we all know, different takes a while to get used to.

Maybe what ruined it for me, though, was seeing Bond driving a Ford up to some Hotel in Nassau.